Yesterday evening I felt overwhelmed by the futility of everything, and started weeping uncontrollably – which is unusual, because that’s how I normally feel in the morning. By the evening, it’s usually much better.
On Thursday, the therapist asked whether the dyspraxia assessment I had two years ago had come up with any advice or strategies which might make life easier. I couldn’t remember. I said I would look at the report, but when I started looking for it I couldn’t find it – because although I’d saved it in a folder in my documents, I’d done it under the name of the consultancy that did it, and I couldn’t remember what that was.
I went into my accounts for 2018, and found the name of the consultancy with the payment. I then searched on that, but Microsoft Search showed me links on the web, not in my files. So I tried again by searching for it in my emails (miraculously, although it could have been under any of four email addresses I use, it was in the first one I tried). I found the pdf attachment of the report, but it was password protected, I had to read another email to get the password, then I kept getting it wrong, but finally got into it. (It was after all this that I found that there was actually a folder under the consultancy name in my documents folder, plus a word document with the password in, but now I know it’s all there I will change the folder title to include ‘dyspraxia’ to make it easier to find next time).
The answer to the therapist’s question about advice was: ‘If Linda requires support whilst working as a self-employed writer and publisher she could consider workplace skills training with a specialist dyspraxia/dyslexia tutor’ but nothing about coping with daily life. Also, if I ever take any more exams, I should be entitled to extra time for completing them.
Under ‘Implications for work and study’, the consultant says: ‘Because of Linda’s difficulty processing information, she is likely to have problems: assimilating information when reading (thereby needing additional time to do so); formulating her thoughts, fluently and quickly…; with handwritten tasks (eg copying information); with memory (eg remembering instructions, sequencing, retrieving information and planning ahead); multi-tasking (eg dealing with multiple pieces of information/documentation)… with personal organisation; with co-ordination; and working within time constraints… she will require more time to learn and undertake complex tasks.’ (But no mention of cat food in the coffee pot, or where I put my glasses thirty seconds ago.)
Well, tell me something I don’t know already – but at least it’s reassuring to know there’s a reason why I’m so chaotic, even if there’s nothing I can do about it. Except, of course, to be a ‘good person’ – to become self-disciplined despite all my instincts and inclinations, organise my life and myself and keep on top of everything all the time – but somehow without being self-critical and beating myself up.
Instant response: you’ve never answered any of my queries with anything but calmly presented, clear answers, so I don’t agree that you need more thinking time. And you must have observed by now that my passage through time is at least as chaotic as you think yours is – what makes you think that we’re different from everyone else?
Maybe you should talk to a recorder? I’d like to record quite a few of my bizzare thoughts but they usually disappear before I can write them down. Maybe I should follow my own advice!!! p.s. is that how you spell bizzare?
I don’t think any of us know what goes on in other people’s heads.
You seem to be happy with yourself – perhaps I’m wrong, but that’s how you appear – maybe that’s due to your military training (as you mentioned the other day), long and (I presume) happy marriage, or inherent personality, who knows?
From what you’ve read on my blog, you must realise by now that I don’t have that sort of confidence and self belief and never have had. The responses I get from people I’ve tried to speak to about this – or who read what I say about myself – suggest that most people find this difficult to understand and refuse to accept it – this is how I know that the way I think is ‘different’ from the norm.
It does take me a long time to absorb and process information – I have to read things multiple times before anything ‘sticks’, and I have always found it hard to talk to people – it might not appear that way, but it’s like writing stories – sometimes I can do it, but I can’t MAKE myself do it because I don’t know how it happens or where it comes from – it’s not within my control.
And bizarre is spelt: ‘b-i-z-a-r-r-e’ – unless you mean a kind of market, in which case it’s ‘b-a-z-a-a-r’ 😉