Felt so wretched this morning. Try and list the reasons? Would that help? I don’t even know what they are. All the little frustrations and irritations of the week? Worry over my cat, who is still not eating well, refusing the kidney-friendly food recommended by the vet, and her old food if I try to sneak in her medicine? Apprehension at the opening up of the lockdown?
All of the above. The daily world has enough causes for anxiety without digging into the past. But the past never goes away, it’s in everything I do and feel, and the same emotions I was feeling fifty years ago well up again, the shame, frustration, self-hatred. I thought they would go away when I grew up, that they were caused by external circumstances, but they’re still there, and am I any better at dealing with them? Have I learnt anything over half a century? Maybe this: that whatever else may change, these feelings never do.
You know, you start something with good intentions, you make it a habit, and then a day comes when you think: ‘F*ck it, this isn’t working, I’m not doing it any more’.
This may be that day.