I don’t know how to start, what to think, what to say, what to do.
Sometimes I face the world and it all seems like such a mess. If I list all the things: my cat is sick; I don’t know if I can go away and leave her; my camper van needs a lot of work; I have to prepare a talk for the book fair; I said I would edit this book but I’ve done nothing and I don’t feel like doing anything; I’ve lost my memory stick; I have tendonitis in my wrist; I am sad, I am afraid, I am lonely, I get angry a lot of the time, mainly at myself; I don’t cook properly for myself; I am bad at doing housework; I am not writing; there are so many things I need to sort out.
I make a list like that and then what? Oh and my typing has got really bad. I keep looking at the keyboard and don’t notice all the stupid mistakes I’m making.
Perhaps, that’s a metaphor, I am looking at the keyboard and don’t look at the results of what I’m doing. Trying to observe. I’m not using the little fingers very often, I don’t know if that’s an issue. Little finger (right side) should be apostrophe and @ sign and question mark I guess from looking at the keyboard, and ‘enter’ too, I don’t know which digit I naturally use for enter. And shift for any keys which are to the left of the keyboard. That should be ‘on’ the left, because ‘to’ the left implies they are not actually on the keyboard. And I keep pressing additional keys without realising it, particularly number keys.
I just did ‘enter’ and my natural response was to use the right index finger, which is odd because that is the furthest left of that hand.
So that time I made a point of using the little finger.
(But I still got it wrong and hit ‘#’ at the first attempt.)
This is crazy, I got up at 6.00 to write and this is what I’m writing. I am not writing anything worthwhile, just drivel, but what does it matter if all I write is drivel? It could be the greatest prose in the world and still no one would read it.
I have a pain in my side. I think it’s because I’m trying to sit up straight and look at the screen instead of the keyboard while I’m typing. I’m used to slouching. And what does any of it matter? It doesn’t, of course. But this is how I write. I write in well-formed, well-structured sentences, and I spell correctly, because that is how I think, that is how it comes into my head. If I wanted to write ‘badly’ it would be an effort, I would have to work at it and it would be false. That’s not what I do. I write what comes into my head.