pursuit of happiness – Page 9

27 September 2020

Log Cabin

Very late this morning – although I’ve been awake for two and a half hours already. I decided to start doing my half hour yoga etc in the mornings again, and had a shower and washed my hair, and just generally time passed as it so often does.

Routines, as I’m sure I’ve said before, are both constraining and liberating. I half thought last week that I wouldn’t restart these two morning routines – exercise and blogging – but that’s because I was in a pretty shitty mood after returning from Cyprus. It’s so easy to slip down into chaos – especially for someone like me. Spontaneity can be exhilarating, but it can also be terrifying. Sometimes the chaos reaches a point where the only way I can deal with it is by ignoring it, and so it grows exponentially until it reaches a crisis and I fall apart emotionally. I was getting close to that point last week. But yesterday I wrote my blog; tidied the kitchen; loaded, ran and emptied the dishwasher; hoovered the stairs and landing – never really know what brings me back from the brink. I might say: ‘a decent night’s sleep’ but that wasn’t the case. Taking the van out on Friday? Doing that one, big(ish) stressful thing and then putting it to one side? Putting everything else into perspective? Maybe.

When I was learning to drive, the instructor told me that the greatest pleasure in life comes from doing something you really don’t want to do, and then afterwards, knowing that you’ve done it. Over forty years later, I think that’s still one of the wisest pieces of advice I’ve ever heard.

I’ve started a new crochet project – while still finishing off the previous one (both cardigans). I started following a pattern for what’s called a ‘log cabin’ design, starting with a small square, then every few rows rotating the work and picking up stitches along the edge of the existing work so that you have a rectangle that keeps growing – like a spiral growing out from the centre, but with straight edges. I’m using a ‘cake’ type yarn with large blocks of colour, and it looks pretty good. But I don’t like the shape of the pattern in the book – which makes a sleeveless waistcoat, which I’m not that keen on. So I’m trying to think of a way of adapting it to make a cardi with sleeves. This is the sort of thing I like to do – trying out something new and seeing how it works out.

Every so often I think I’ll give up on crochet, because it’s too repetitive and I feel like I’ve exhausted the possibilities. Then I get an idea like this and get interested again. Admittedly, I have cupboards full of projects that I’ve never finished, and garments that I’ve never worn. But I keep going back to it. And today I’m looking forward to sitting in the sunshine and trying again.

Maybe there’s a metaphor for life in there somewhere.

2 September 2020

Another Morning

Been thinking that maybe I should reorganise my morning routine. If I did the writing before the exercise, that would be more in keeping with Dorothea Brande’s original instructions. I could get up an hour earlier and write, instead of lying in bed trying/hoping to get back to sleep. I resolve to do it, and then, when the time comes… I could move the ‘gentle alarm’ on the Sleep Cycle app forward from 7-7.30 to 6.30-7.00 – the half hour is because it’s supposed to detect whereabouts your sleep is, and go off when you’re in the most appropriate sleep phase for waking (until it comes to the end of the period, when it goes off anyway). It’s fairly immaterial, given that I almost never hear it because I’ve already stopped the app before then – except for the extremely rare occasions when I HAVE managed to get back to sleep.

Whatever, it’s only going to get harder as we move inexorably from the light half of the year into the dark.

Had a day out yesterday, with my camper van, which only got back on the road after lockdown last week. Another new battery, another stern warning from the garage that I need to use it regularly. The new (refurbished) battery they fitted last year was so tightly connected that I couldn’t disconnect it over winter, so when I tried it in March they said they would come and recharge it, but it wasn’t a priority either for them or for me in the following months, so although they’ve had the keys all that time, I hadn’t been chasing them about it.

Well, it’s going now, and last week I took it out for a picnic in the Queen Elizabeth Country Park, off the A3 heading for London, and my favourite go-to place for a significant non-overnight jaunt. Yesterday I went in the other direction, to the New Forest, which I’ve never done as a day out before, always camped, even though it’s only an hour’s drive. I had a vision of a memory from the last time I was there, this time last year, of the empty moors covered with purple flowering heather, seen from the open-top tour bus. I had another memory too, from a few years earlier, when I drove my old Micra back from Dorset to Bedford over two days with an overnight stop in Salisbury, of walking on the same moors in early summer.

I should write more about this. Why am I reluctant to write about happy things? Perhaps because I’m afraid I can’t do them justice? Or because, when you try to describe something like that, you – I – never feel I can capture the essence of what made it special? Like trying to take photographs and then being disappointed with all of them. Writing words and being disappointed with all of them. I got lost, I found somewhere to stop, sat on a tree stump and looked at the view.

Maybe I’ll try tomorrow.

23 August 2020

The Next Fifty Years in 500 Words

I can’t use anything of what I wrote yesterday. I was trying to explain how I became who I am – as far as I understand it. But what’s the point of that? It’s only the pattern I’ve imposed on my memories from the context of where I am now.

How can I untangle how I feel about myself and the life I’ve lived and what part of that is down to dyspraxia and what is just who I am? Dyspraxia is all the frustrating, annoying, depressing, heart-sinking little stupid things that happen all day, every day. I have always known I was worthless. This is not new because I have suddenly discovered an explanation for it – it was always there.

I could carry on describing the last fifty years – university; struggling to find a job, failing interview after interview; rushing into marriage because someone asked me and I thought this was the only chance I would have to avoid going back and living with my parents; marriage broke down within two years; more shame, more guilt, more failure, all piled on top of who I was, because of who I was; getting a job and working at it for nine years; marrying again and giving up my job at the age of 30 to become an ‘ex-pat wife’, not knowing that that would be the last full-time permanent job I would ever have; babies and post-natal depression and loneliness and coming home; getting a chance to do a PhD and thinking this would transform my life, then afterwards finding that at the age of 43 with a 13 year gap on my CV, still no one wanted to employ me despite my qualifications; more failed applications and interviews and a string of part-time admin jobs; breakdown of my second marriage, feeling trapped because I couldn’t earn enough to support myself so I felt obliged to stay; finally leaving to live on my own at the age of 54, happy to be living on my own at last, but still financially dependent on my ex – as I still am, living on a share of his pension – more guilt, more shame. After three years trying to create a new life, trying to find more permanent work, doing more training (web design), trying to write, trying to start a design/publishing business, I used money from the divorce settlement to go travelling across Europe, planning to write a book about it and support myself. Came back with even less chance of ever getting another job – did a TEFL course in Prague but couldn’t find teaching work without experience (and anyway I was a terrible teacher because of my lack of social skills and inability to explain myself). Used my share of the proceeds from the sale of the marital home to buy a house on the south coast and retire on my ex husband’s pension, where I am now, looking back over a lifetime of repeated failure, depression and self-loathing, and failing to write.

21 August 2020

My Two Penn’orth

Chatting on the Dyspraxic Adults Facebook page yesterday evening, I was asked if I was sending my experiences to the All Party Parliamentary Group on dyspraxia. The website says: ‘The inquiry would welcome evidence in particular from: People with lived experience of dyspraxia…’

Seems like a brilliant idea but… the deadline is next Friday. Well, that’s ok, I suppose – I wouldn’t come up with anything better in 6 months than I can in a week, but…

Where to start? Some of the stuff that I’ve already posted on here, I suppose. My experiences and feelings about my life and myself; my efforts to find help/counselling/self help over the last thirty-odd years (and the massive failure of those attempts); the chance that my current therapist had a previous client who was diagnosed as dyspraxic, and the similarity of our tales of woe (short term-memory, time management, untidiness, general chaos etc) prompted her to suggest that I look into it; reading about it on the web and a huge light bulb finally going on in my head; getting the contact details for her previous client’s assessor and getting a formal diagnosis.

I had a rummage through old blogs from early 2014 and found this:

When I was a child and teenager, just the idea that I might have a condition that needed treatment would never have entered anyone’s head, I was just shy, moody and difficult and I needed to get over myself and get on with it. I was 35 when I first went to counselling, and even then my Dad was very sceptical…
I don’t think I’m particularly ‘depressed’ in the sense of having a treatable condition. I just have a personality that people sometimes find disturbing or alienating, but I am who I am and I can’t help that, I’ve been like it since early childhood and my adult experiences have reinforced it. However I have also found ways of getting by – coping strategies – that seem to mask my deep feelings, and people who see only the superficial side of my personality are surprised to discover my underlying inadequacies and insecurity.
I used to think that it was my external circumstances that brought me down, not having a satisfying relationship or job or any deep satisfaction in my life, but I’ve done things to try and change that and I still feel the same – maybe because I still don’t have any of the things I just listed. It’s probably those flaws in my personality that prevent me from being able to have any of those things. I’m aware that all this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I can’t see any way round that.
Counselling seems to end up as regular dumping sessions going around in the same old circles and eventually the counsellors suggest that as I don’t seem to be making any progress we might as well stop. I think I must be the client from hell…
Linda Rushby 24 January 2014

Seems like that could be quite a good start

18 August 2020

Going Through the Motions

Going Through the Motions
Get up and do what you always do,
even though your head is full
of all the times it hasn’t worked before;
of all the reasons why it doesn’t work;
of all the many ways it might go wrong;
of all the problems you can’t imagine
until they happen.
You want to run away and hide,
but you’ve tried that before,
and it never worked
so why should it now?
This is life,
this is how it works.
Stumble on,
from one day to the next
and maybe you’ll
get away with it
for one more day.
Linda Rushby 18 August 2020

There was a post on the FB dyspraxia group asking how many members write, and what we write. I started thinking about poems I’ve written down the years which relate to my dyspraxia (even when I didn’t know that’s what it was). They tend to be the ones I don’t share much, because I don’t expect people I know to understand them or like the fact that I’ve written them about myself. The two I first thought of were ‘Cahos’, from 2005 (oh, look at that typo again – I may make that the actual title of the poem from now on) and ‘The Awkward One’ (2017, I think).

I saw the post at bedtime, and started going through my Google drive from my phone looking for the two I’ve mentioned and to see how many more I could find (a very bad idea when I was supposed to be going to sleep). And then when I got up and was doing my morning routine, I came up with the one above.

I could probably fill a whole book, but I doubt it would be very popular. From one point of view, these poems are seething with self-pity, self-loathing and shame – which is why I often keep them to myself. On the other hand, they are also searingly honest, full of pain, sadness, regret, frustration and barely suppressed anger. Both of those descriptions sum up my underlying emotional landscape a lot of the time.

The anger in particular WAS COMING OUT A LOT IN MY THERAPY SESSIONS towards the end of last year (oops, must’ve hit the caps lock without noticing, but that also seems quite appropriate!) I suppose my current task is to learn how to deal with it without turning it onto myself – incredibly hard and stressful, but I am trying.

One way of doing that is to have routines and stick to them even when I really don’t feel like it. Yesterday I skipped my weekly yoga-in-the-park session because I convinced myself it would rain – but then it didn’t. And I felt bad for making that an excuse for my lack of commitment. So I’m trying to deal with that.

I heard a podcast of the TED Radio Show on BBC R4Extra yesterday, about choice and making decisions. I need to listen to it again, then maybe I’ll have something to say about it.

17 August 2020

Tangled

I did finish the book yesterday (the one I was reading, not writing) and yes, there were some surprises in the last 10%, a couple in fact, when it seemed all was lost and then it turned around and things weren’t so bad, and then it turned around again… and I did some research on the author and found that my intuition about them not being English was completely wrong, they’re older than I thought, and they’ve worked in script-writing, which fits with the crisis-point-here style of plotting. And the sequel had a good write up, so I may try that. At some point. Not now.

Looking for something else on the Kindle, I bought three other books (that’s the way it goes, my virtual shelves are groaning with unread books just as my physical shelves are, three new ones bought with every one read) and found one that I have no recollection of having bought, by an author I’ve never even heard of, but I obviously thought it sounded good enough to try. I think it might have been on a special offer, because these days I usually download the sample before I buy, and I can’t remember reading that. I may start this one next, though its estimated reading time is over 11 hours, which means it will probably take me months.

I finished the book, caught up on the weather blanket (which I’d fallen behind on because I needed to finish a baby blanket for a friend of my daughter), and finally finished untangling the yarn for a sleeveless cardigan which was also abandoned when I started on the baby blanket. And I’ve bought more yarn. Which rather mirrors the situation with the books and Kindle books.

Today is a special day, because it’s the 17^th of the month, which is the day when I start the next row of the blanket, do the next bit of the border, and add the next colour to the border. This is the seventh colour, and they’re already starting to get tangled. By the end of last year they were in a terrible mess and it took ages to sort out. I can’t find a satisfactory way of avoiding it – except I could leave the border and do all of it at the end, but I don’t want to do that. I have some plastic bobbins which are supposed to snap shut and stop the yarn coming off, but they won’t take a whole skein and I haven’t got many of the largest ones (they come in three different sizes). My daughter bought them for me when she used to work in a crafting shop, I’ve tried looking for them online and have found them but only in the two smaller sizes. I can try cutting the yarn so it just fits, but that will mean joining new yarn in more often.

Well, these are the exciting things that take up my time and metal energy. Happy Monday to all.

14 August 2020

Reading – (to be continued…)

This morning, I did something I haven’t done regularly for years – read in bed. For most of my life I’ve read in bed both at night, before falling asleep, and in the morning, after waking up. Then when I was regularly attending the sleep clinic in 2006-07, I was told that I needed to train my body/mind to associate being in bed with sleep and nothing else – if I was awake in the night for more than twenty minutes I should get up, go to another room and do something quiet and relaxing, and only go back to bed when I was ready to go back to sleep. Unfortunately, this never really worked – I could be awake in another room for two hours and feel myself dozing off, then go back to bed and lie down and my brain would be wide awake again. Over the last few years, I’ve started listening to the radio in the night – or rather, downloaded plays and readings from BBC Sounds – and sometimes I fall back to sleep, and sometimes I don’t, but I’ve never really got back into that habit of always reading in bed.

But it bothers me that the only time I read whole books the way I used to is on holiday, or long journeys – and even then, it’s been replaced by listening and/or crocheting. When you’re reading, you can’t do anything else, but if you’re being ‘read to’ (ie listening to the radio, or audiobooks) your hands and eyes are free to be doing something else – like crochet – or any other kind of handicraft, (or even chores come to that). And because I only read in fits and starts (often, to be honest, when I’m on the loo), I never really get into what I’m reading, not helped by the dyspraxic effect that I don’t take in what I’m reading on the first time through, and am constantly forgetting who’s who and what’s happened.

This morning, around six, when I’d already been listening for an hour or so, I decided to read from my Kindle, a thriller that came up as a recommendation based on my previous reading, and which I won’t identify because I don’t want to spoil the plot for anyone else. I’ve been enjoying it, but as I’ve only been reading it for 10-20 minutes or so a day, it’s been slow going, and I’d started to feel that it was becoming a tad repetitive. This morning I’d read three chapters, when, at exactly half way in (according to the Kindle read percentage), there came a catastrophic event, in which one of the protagonists was killed and it seemed all was lost. I couldn’t help but the think that the author must have read/been told the advice about having a major climax/plot reveal at the end of Act Three – and I was rather shattered that s/he’d killed off this character (or has s/he? It sounds pretty conclusive, but who knows?)

Dammit, I’ve run out of words again…

7 August 2020

Tell Me the Old, Old Story

I think I surfaced just about bang on sunrise this morning: 5:40. I went to the window and saw the pink glow creeping over the house roofs, then left the gap in the curtains and went back to bed, watching the colour briefly suffusing the wall. At least it’s sunny – well, it was for most of yesterday too – the rain didn’t last long.

Am I feeling any more sunny this morning? Maybe. Yesterday did not turn out to be a good day. I spent most of the morning digging through old laptops, archived files and a set of data CDs and DVDs which I burnt as part of a back-up system around 2005 and 2006 (amazed myself by finding them, although I knew I’d seen them somewhere recently – well, in the last three years at least). I was looking for photos – a specific photo, in fact – of my cat from October 2005, when we first got her, because yesterday was her fifteenth birthday and I wanted to make a post about it on Facebook, with then-and-now pictures. I did it partly because I suspect she won’t be around to see another birthday, and I am preparing myself for the inevitable letting go, but also because her entry into my life was such a bizarre turning point – and yesterday I not only found the background to her name, which I’d saved in one of those fifteen-year-old files, but my journal entry for the morning of the day we brought her home – before I knew what a shit-storm I was initiating. And that photograph (on one of the back-up CDs), which featured, ten days later, in the first blog post I ever wrote, on a blog called ‘Husband or Cat?’ on a platform which no longer exists.

I could tell that story again. Should I? There are people who know it already – at least one of whom might even be reading this – in essence, at least, even if not in detail. But the details are still there, still documented, still accessible. It’s an odd story, full of drama, and passion, in its way, with a beginning far too implausible for fiction, and an ending… how did it end? Well, I guess – at least, as I’ve said before about all the world-churning choices I’ve made in the last fifteen years, if I hadn’t done what I did, I would never have known how things would turn out if I did, now would I?

I suppose that’s what fiction’s for – to explore the other side of the ‘what if’ – but I don’t have the energy or inspiration for fiction. Maybe that’s why I was compelled to make the choices I did – because it was the only way of finding out? When I think of the dreams and expectations I started with, it’s true that none of them quite worked out as I thought they would, but they shaped my life nonetheless.

I was going to write about writing advice – and Taoism. Another time, maybe.

3 August 2020

Monday Morning

Back here again. Why? Because half the time I swear I’ve given up for good and then one morning I think I might try again. Just this once. On the understanding that it’s the same old nonsense and, basically, a complete waste of my time writing and yours (whoever you are) for reading it.

But we both still have a chance. You can stop right here – or I could, in which case you wouldn’t have the chance either way, because obviously I wouldn’t bother to post this. But I probably won’t – stop, that is. Though with another potential 400 words… Who knows?

It’s nine o’clock now (I went to the Co-op before starting) and it’s Monday. Does that mean I can play music without worrying about disturbing the neighbours? There again, they might work shifts, for all I know.

Okay, now I’m playing Roxy Music’s ‘Flesh and Blood’, that being the first cassette I pulled out of the shoebox at random that I haven’t already transferred to the PC. Still haven’t done anything about replacing the stylus on my turntable.

Reached the second track, ‘Oh Yeah’, and the sound quality is pretty awful. I have the original album somewhere, so if I get my finger out and do something about that stylus, I can play that. But I still feel a bit wary about playing these old albums – they’ve been kept for all these years and moved from place to place, and maybe it’s all been a waste of time because they’re ruined anyway.

Next track, ‘Same Old Scene’, isn’t much better.

How do I manage to do anything? Repetition, routine, and constant self-bullying. I bullied myself into going to the Co-op this morning. I bullied myself into putting the shopping away when I got back, and starting a ‘to-do’ list. The weight of the things I don’t do is always in my head, because I’m always thinking about them, except the times when I let myself off and sit in the sun or listen to the radio and/or crochet. Or else I’m thinking about other things, worse things, that I’ve read or heard or people have said or done to me that make me angry or sad or hopeless.

I think constantly about these things, but never do anything – worse, the thinking itself is completely aimless and futile, it’s not even as if by thinking I ever produce a coherent plan of action which I then proceed to complete. Except – well, I did start making that to-do list. If I completed some of those things, I suppose I’d be happier. But a more reliable way of becoming happier is by quietening the thinking – and the way to do that is by doing things that make me happy directly – like sitting in the sun, listening to the radio, and/or crocheting – all of which I may do later after I’ve had breakfast.

The second side of the album sounds better than the first one did.

Think it’s time for breakfast.

Category: pursuit of happiness