Category: life

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Long drive

Just finished my last four NaPoWriMo haiku – only 5 days late! Been at Laura’s and only got back yesterday. I didn’t have my laptop – but more to the point I couldn’t get my head into a place where I could write. I had ideas for two of them – they came to me when I was driving, one when I was driving to Laura’s and one when I was driving to the self-publishing conference in Leicester. I had them both complete in my head at the time but didn’t write them down in my notebook and they went. Still I have managed to recreate them and one is actually better than what I had before because I took a slightly different tack. I had one leftover from the boat which I will throw in and another I wrote this morning from scratch, about bluebells. It’ll do.

I really enjoyed the conference, got back fired up and full of enthusiasm but that all seems to have gone after a week.

I was intending to come home on Tuesday, got everything packed up and loaded into the car, then we went to Coleman’s Craft Warehouse and the Needle and Awl for lunch and then we both got an email from Simon about Laura taking him and Dina from Brian’s to Heathrow on Friday. They’d talked about it ages ago but Laura had forgotten the date and hadn’t got Friday off work. Brian couldn’t take them because he’s going to pick them up and anyway didn’t want to leave the dogs alone in the house the first day they were there. So I said I could stay till Friday and take them then drive home from Heathrow.

I could have done without it because it meant I had to miss lino and my therapy session on Thursday. When I picked them up Simon was in a foul mood about being picked up at 7.00, because his sat nav said it would only take 1 hour 15 minutes, and their flight wasn’t till 11.40. We’d tried explaining to him that it would take 3 hours if we left at 8, but he wasn’t having any of it. I was pissed off because I’d messed up my week to do it and didn’t get a word of thanks or acknowledgement and he started a pointless argument because he said I’d told him the wrong exit from the M25 last time we came up and the sat nav sent him a different way on Thursday. (I didn’t, I got to the bottom of it which was that I told him I didn’t know the exit number but I still directed us off the right exit to the M1, but it wasn’t worth arguing over especially as I was driving. Usual thing as with Laura, I’m the one who has to back down because for me to keep arguing my case until I convince them I’m right would be childish and unnecessary and then it would all be my fault).

Eventually, when things had gone quiet for a while, I said, hopefully in a not-too-argumentative voice: ‘I missed my lino printing and therapy session yesterday to do this for you’ and he had calmed down a bit though I don’t think he actually apologised. Then part of the M25 was closed, he was following it on google maps and it sent us off through the wilds of Bucks and Surrey, eventually getting onto the M4 and returning to the M25 and Heathrow that way, I dropped them at 9.40 then thought I would find somewhere to stop on the way home. Drove into the Starbucks (used to be Little Chef) on the A3 before Guildford, but the car park was full (I don’t like Starbucks anyway) so decided I would keep on to the McDonald’s at Petersfield, saw a National Trust sign for the Witley Centre, pulled off the A3 and followed it but then found it was just a patch of woodland, very nice but no café; then pulled off at Petersfield but it was the wrong exit, thought if I went through the town and followed the signs back to the A3 it must be that one, but it wasn’t, I missed it altogether, kept driving and got home at 11.25 – almost 5 hours driving which has  to be a record.

When I got home the house stank of cat pee and I just sat and cried.

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Van update

A full half hour this morning, 10 minutes yoga and twenty meditation. Quite calm in the meditation too, not so much rumination, more focussing. It’s a good thing. Eaten breakfast, even did a bit of tidying up in the kitchen, and it’s only 8.15. Lino printing this morning so I will try to get to McDonald’s for breakfast. And the virus thingy isn’t running today so I can see the word count.

I hadn’t got any clean pants because they were all in the washing basket (post-washing) which was down in the kitchen, so I put my jeans on and have been walking around without them, but just went to the loo and put them on. Funny this whole thing of writing and posting every day but putting in things that I wouldn’t really want anyone to read. It’s there, anyone who wanted to could read it if they knew the address, but hardly anyone ever reads the other blog where I do share the address, so I feel quite safe.

I called the man about the camper van yesterday – I can’t remember what I said in yesterday’s post, but this was the note that got shoved through my door two years ago when the van was broken into and he left me his number. I spoke to him and he was very interested and went down to the garage and saw it, and Charles at the garage was very helpful (so he told me, when he rang me back as I was just walking home from Sainsbury’s yesterday afternoon. Actually it wasn’t just Sainsbury’s, I mean I hadn’t just been to Sainsbury’s, I went to the seafront and walked along though the wind was really strong, blowing up sand from the beach in my face. The temperature was supposed to be 11, I don’t know what the wind chill was but I’m guessing it was in single figures, which compared with last week’s 25 plus is bizarre – well, to be honest it’s last week’s temperatures that are bizarre, this is more normal).

Anyway, it looks quite hopeful about the van, I think he’ll buy it but he wants to get some other mechanics that he uses to have a look at it, which is fair enough.

So that may be one crisis resolved in my life. Other things are worrying but I will have to hold on to them for now. I texted the lady I rent the garage from and she replied straight away. The guy who’s buying the van asked if the garage would be available as well, she said it’s not automatic, which I knew anyway, and that she wants to meet him etc etc which I half expected because she is a bit of a stickler.

Well that’s the situation this morning, nothing very deep today, I guess I’m feeling quite upbeat and that is why. Looking forward to lino. I might even post some pictures from my lino on here. On here rather than Facebook I think, for now.

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End of the road?

Why does my computer say it’s ‘running a virus’ scan and refusing to show me my word count for this document in Word? I mean, I’ve hardly written anything, but as I’ve done the thing of copying and pasting my horoscope into the document, I want to know how many words that is, so I can subtract them from the total and see whether I’ve written 500 or not – only now I’ve written so much that if it shows the word count it will include what I’ve just written as well…

Aha, so that was 91. It’s still not showing me the overall word count though.

I’ve had a stressful 24 hours because yesterday I had to go to the garage to find out why my camper van failed the MOT and it’s not great. They wouldn’t even give me an estimate of how much it will cost and to be honest I just want rid of it. It’s sad, but realistically it’s not like I’ve used it much. I didn’t go away with it at all last year, other than out for days at the country park, well there was a reason for that, but with going to visit the kids such a lot I can’t see myself going away in it this year either. So I just have to say: it was a nice idea, but it just didn’t work out, cut my losses and let it go.

My son in law originally said he’d like it to go fishing with when I didn’t want it any more, but this is not a great time because they’re focussing all their time and money on the house at the moment, and also they’ve just bought a trailer tent, so don’t want a van as well cluttering up the drive. I wondered about SORNing it till he wants it, but who knows how long that would be, and I don’t want to keep paying rent for a garage for it every month.

I was thinking, if I walk to the seafront I can get some exercise, sunshine, fresh air and maybe fish and chips, but it’s just started raining so maybe not.

Keep watching the stupid Yoda/Seagull Song bad lip-reading video that someone posted on Facebook, it just makes me laugh, it’s so silly. Shared it with Geoff, who I used to work with at Granada over 30 years ago, because I knew it would make him laugh too.

I just don’t want to write. Didn’t do my yoga/meditation this morning because I came on the computer and started looking up the Romahome Owners Club site to advertise it on there. There is a guy who’s interested in it, it’s a bit of a story but two years ago, when I was living in Beach Road, it got broken into and this man put a note through my door saying he also had one and his had also been damaged and did I want to chat about finding spares etc. Anyway, it turns out I still had the note (amazing!) and I rang him this morning and it sounds like he might be interested. I told him I wanted £500 because honestly I don’t know what it will cost to MOT it and I just want rid. He said he would go to the garage this afternoon and have a look at it so I’m waiting to hear.

I think it might have stopped raining, so if I’ve done 500 words I might go out after all.

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Why I’ll never make it as a writer (or anything else for that matter)

I really don’t like Oscar Cainer. He writes this twaddle that really doesn’t mean anything, it’s so mealy-mouthed. Not a patch on his late Uncle Jonathan.

What has happened the last few days and what is my excuse for not writing? Today… slept in late, did my half hour of yoga and meditation, had breakfast… now it’s lunchtime and I’ve done bugger all. Every day the same.

It’s a nice day too. A friend came round to mow my lawn for me yesterday afternoon, and I thought: the garden’s a mess, now the fence is up I should get on with it and sort it out, but oh well… take the laptop and go to the Coffee Cup? That was sort of the plan. I really should go to the sea this afternoon instead of sitting around here, or if I’m going to stay in I should get on with some jobs.

You see, they say: ‘…don’t get caught up with all the “shoulds”…’, but seriously, if you keep on ignoring the ‘shoulds’ then everything goes to pot. Well, what would make me happy? Should (there I go again) I do something that will make me ‘happy’, and if so, what? I do neither. I sit here ruminating (that’s a good word. My therapist used it a couple of weeks ago when I was trying to describe these thinking patterns, and I thought: yes that’s it! Of course I’ve heard it before, but not used it lately, and now I’ve sort of latched on to it).

I rang the lady who does the kundalini yoga and meditation at the community centre – it’s literally just round the corner – been going to check it out for months and putting it off. She sounded really friendly and happy that I was interested. It might turn out to be a bit new-age and hippy-dippy, how do I feel about that? Well, I’m conflicted, aren’t I?

This came up with the therapist. When I was looking after the dogs, I went to see her in Guildford, where she works some of the time. I was sitting where I could see out of the window and I kept seeing magpies, so then I had to explain about why I say ‘Good morning sir, how’s your wife?’ when I see them. She was intrigued by this, and at the end of the session (and again since) she commented that I seem to be almost desperate to find something to believe in. Which is a not-unreasonable observation. But… and there I go, reading my horoscope every day and having tarot readings, while simultaneously thinking: ‘this is all such a load of bollocks!!!’

Yesterday I had reading group in the morning, that’s why I didn’t write then, I ran out of time. Haven’t even been posting my daily haiku, but that’s partly because the memory stick is in the laptop which is downstairs and I’m up here in the study. Sorry, just realised I wrote: ‘reading’ group, not ‘writing’ group, that’s really strange, I wonder why? But yesterday afternoon, after getting home and before Richard came to cut the grass, I set up a Twitter account for the group (and Instagram, though no idea what I’m going to do with that), and did a few things to the Facebook page, but now that has died a death again, I mean, I can’t get any enthusiasm for doing it.

I followed something from Twitter about ‘Nine Daily Habits You Should Get Rid of to Become a Better Writer’ and of course  I do them all – well, maybe not all (I don’t do 6), but 1, 2, 4, 8 and 9 are pretty much intrinsic to my personality and lifestyle – so clearly there is no hope for me.

1.       Not sticking to the writing plan – PLAN??? Moi? You must be joking.

2.       Giving in to procrastination and self-criticism – Ermmm… enough said.

3.      Thinking over some paragraphs or dialogues when you are not writing –  when they come to me I can’t always wait, I sort them out in my head and write later;

4.     Writing without enough sleep – definitely – it’s unavoidable, that’s how I live;

5.    Giving someone to read your unfinished book – I did that once and it set me back 4 years – these days I read bits out at group but I think that’s helpful;

6.    Limiting yourself with one place for writing – no, I do vary that;

7.    Dividing your time to 2 or more storylines at once – oh god, yes – currently there’s sorting out the sequel to ‘Single To Sirkeci’; maybe doing something about Prague; trying (not very hard) to think of stories for the two groups; and the great novel which is still on the back burner, where it’s been for about twelve years (or arguably twenty five);

8.    Isolating yourself from family and friends- ditto 4;

9.    Having bad nutrition and drinking too much coffee or energy drinks – also ditto 4.