Words churning through my head… they are always there, a continuous monologue/narrative – sometimes a dialogue, even a full-blown row. Is that dyspraxia related or something else? It is there when I wake in the early hours, it keeps me awake, I am exhausted but can’t sleep. It is there in the daytime, it churns around and around, I can’t focus, I can’t settle, I can’t concentrate because I am exhausted because I don’t sleep at night.
Is this dyspraxia? I know dyspraxia is responsible for the time I waste looking for the glasses/phone/keys/wallet/cup of coffee or whatever that I put down somewhere 30 seconds ago. That’s exhausting too. Dyspraxia means I have to read everything at least twice, three times, or more before it starts to sink in. It means I often don’t take in what’s been said to me without that being repeated, too, and often I just forget anyway, which means I panic when someone does speak to me and I can’t think what to say in reply, so even if dyspraxia is not directly related to social anxiety, it exacerbates it.
Sometimes I struggle to know what to say, then think of it too late, or I think of something I could say and I want to say it there and then, and I say too much then get angry with myself. When I’m in a group sometimes I’ll think of something to say but can’t get a word in edgeways, or when it comes to my turn I’ve forgotten it or thought better of it and someone says: ‘I think Linda has something to say’ but I just say ‘it’s ok, it doesn’t matter, it wasn’t important’ even if it was. Once someone who had been facilitating a group I was in said to me: ‘promise me that the next time someone interrupts you, you won’t apologise’. If I know I’m right about something (factually) and I say it I expect people to accept it, and if they don’t I get frustrated. I hate arguments, I won’t say anything which I think the other people will disagree with.
I apologise constantly, which ironically most people find very irritating. Usually when something goes wrong, even if I’m not completely responsible, I can trace it back to some contributing factor that’s down to me, and so I apologise for that. It’s easy to assume I’m responsible, because I do so many stupid, clumsy or thoughtless things. Apologising is my way of trying to compensate for all those things I do that inconvenience others, but it often doesn’t deflect anger, but rather makes it worse – this used to happen a lot with my parents. If my apologies are not accepted I feel trapped, because I don’t know what else to do, so I get frustrated, ashamed and angry – and I always turn anger onto myself. I can forgive other people but never myself, because I’m not in control of their behaviour, but I feel that I should be able to control my own.