Lockdown

So Britain is officially locked down today – for a minimum of three weeks, after which, who knows? My car is booked in for its MOT today (due in two weeks, but I was expecting to be on holiday from Friday week and wanted it done before then). But now I won’t be using it anyway.

Still seeing people walking and cycling in the streets – about half a dozen since I first sat here, about 10 minutes ago. Admittedly, the instructions don’t really seem that clear – and how are they going to be enforced? Feeling a little guilty now that I went for a walk on Sunday, though I don’t think I got that close to anyone, I keep thinking: should I have stepped onto the grass in the Rose Garden to pass that extended family who were on the path?

In all the stuff I’ve read about self-isolation and social distancing over the last couple of weeks, my first thought has been: welcome to my life – I’ve tried to resist saying it because it sounds whingey (see yesterday’s post).

All my life, I’ve never been the sort of person who needed to be ‘…where the people are…’ – unless there are so many of them that I’m not forced to engage, and can pass between them unnoticed, anonymous and invisible. That’s one of the reasons why I’m so happy when I’m travelling. Ever since childhood – for as long as I can remember – ‘friendship’ has always been a bit of an awkward concept for me – if you think I’m your friend, then I guess I must be, but I’ll always wait for you to make the first move – I don’t go out and ‘make friends’, I have to know that I’m liked by somebody else before I can decide whether there’s any point in me trying to be sociable with them That sounds arrogant, but it’s not really, quite the opposite – it’s because I assume that I am invisible and no one is going to take any notice of me, so why try and set myself up for rejection? There have been times in my life when I’ve lived without friends at all, or only ones that have imposed themselves on me – though most of those were when I was married.

I have now wandered away from what I was intending to say, though it is related. My normal inclination is to stay home and not risk going out and encountering anyone. Seriously, the converse of the anonymity of travel for me is the anonymity of staying put – that probably sounds a bit nonsensical, but I know what I mean. Being alone in my house, I am safe from having to interact with people, and from the possibility of being judged. The oddity of this is that when I do have to interact with people, I sometimes end up being happier than I would be on my own – partly from the relief that I’ve done it and it wasn’t that bad… tbc

7 Replies to “Lockdown”

  1. When I look at what you’ve written I think of my own folder entitled ‘Writing’ which is full of bits of writing (what a surprise!) most of which will never be read again. By anyone.
    A few days ago I thought about the hours, days weeks of writing it has taken for me to fill that folder (which, of course, being a ‘Word’ folder, is never actually going to be full) and I said to myself: ‘never again will I write anything without a purpose.’ So I won’t.

    1. Oh dear, I have gone in completely the opposite direction and have gone back to writing pointlessly every day!
      As I’ve said many times before, if I have to write about something specific, I freeze and can’t write anything at all. I’m not sure which is worse/better.
      I need to give you a lesson on how to write on the shared blog some time. That’s going to be tricky.

        1. Sorry if I’m being patronising. If you’re happy (and it should be fairly self-explanatory) go for it! 🙂

          1. You’re not being patronising.
            I’ve read all of your last week’s stuff.
            You keep repeating – using different words and/or examples – the same, self-deprecating thing(s).
            You know I think that you write well.
            I have three suggestions – which of course you can ignore!
            Reduce your five-hundred words to fifty – without losing any of the message.
            Say something that needs saying – to: the public/the president of the USA/Boris/anyone you choose, then reduce what you’ve said as per suggestion 1.
            Post the results.
            Oh! and a fourth suggestion: smile!

          2. Thanks Trevor.
            I think those are excellent suggestions and you should do them on the Storytellers blog now you’ve accepted my invitation!
            As I’ve said before, I write what comes into my head. it’s repetitive, and not of much interest to anybody else. Imagine 50K words like that!
            So, thanks for your feeedback, I will go back to just writing a journal and not put it out where anyone else can see it.
            🙂

          3. I’ve just re-read this.
            I don’t think there’s ever a message in what I write, whether in 500 words or 50, and I certainly don’t think anything I write ever ‘needs’ to be said – except maybe to get it out of my head.
            That’s not what I’m trying to do. I don’t really know that I’m trying to do anything, other than fill the time, and maybe observe myself and try to sort things out in my own head.
            But evidently you’re still reading it – even if no one else is – so it can’t be that bad! 😉
            Take care, L x

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