Month: June 2018

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Emails

I am going back to my ‘secret’ blog, had enough of telling people how I feel. This will have to do.

I didn’t write yesterday. Instead I spent an hour and a half deleting and/or opening over 3,500 emails which hadn’t been opened on my yahoo account. The oldest were from September 2017, which I guess was the last time I had a purge. Which I suppose means that I average about 400 a month that I don’t bother to open – 100 a week, or 14 a day, which sounds about right because I counted how many I got yesterday and it was 15.

I keep unsubscribing from lists, but there are always some where you want to keep getting them because every so often there’s a good offer or something. Like Travelzoo. I bought a special spa deal which I have to take before the end of July but haven’t fixed it up yet.

Mornings are always hard. It’s the time when the self-hate and desperation are really at their peak. I don’t know why that is. I was told by Michael from the School of Philosophy group in Peterborough that whatever you’re thinking/feeling when you fall asleep at night is what you wake up thinking/feeling, so be careful what you think about before you go to sleep. What a load of bollox! If you were trying to control what you were thinking about before you went to sleep, how would you ever get to sleep? And then if/when you wake up in the middle of the night, presumably you again have to control your thoughts before the precise moment you fall back to sleep – whenever that may be! Maybe it works for him, but it certainly doesn’t for me.

I read or heard something recently saying that it helps depressed people if they make a to do list for the next day before they go to sleep – or maybe that’s insomniacs? Whatever, both those apply to me anyway.

My to-do for today: wait in for delivery of yarn that is finally coming (yay!) two weeks after the order – it came yesterday when I was out at lino printing but I didn’t know because the email saying it would arrive between 10 and 12 came at 10.17 and then it was delivered (or not) at 10.39, and I didn’t read either of them till after lino finished at 12.00. It said redelivery would be tried today, but I don’t know if I’ll get an email today and if so how helpful it will be.

Now I’ve got the yahoo sorted out I will have a go at the gmail, which is not so bad, only a couple of hundred. Then I should go into Thunderbird and sort out the damson-tree ones, which are mostly forwarded to gmail. But there is always tons and tons of spam on those. I can’t have them on Outlook because it doesn’t like the servers. But forwarding them to gmail means they’re always duplicated.

Bugger. Word’s wordcount includes numbers, but the one on WordPress doesn’t.

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Sunday, 03 June 2018

I don’t know how to start, what to think, what to say, what to do.

Sometimes I face the world and it all seems like such a mess. If I list all the things: my cat is sick; I don’t know if I can go away and leave her; my camper van needs a lot of work; I have to prepare a talk for the book fair; I said I would edit this book but I’ve done nothing and I don’t feel like doing anything; I’ve lost my memory stick; I have tendonitis in my wrist; I am sad, I am afraid, I am lonely, I get angry a lot of the time, mainly at myself; I don’t cook properly for myself; I am bad at doing housework; I am not writing; there are so many things I need to sort out.

I make a list like that and then what? Oh and my typing has got really bad. I keep looking at the keyboard and don’t notice all the stupid mistakes I’m making.

Perhaps, that’s a metaphor, I am looking at the keyboard and don’t look at the results of what I’m doing. Trying to observe. I’m not using the little fingers very often, I don’t know if that’s an issue. Little finger (right side) should be apostrophe and @ sign and question mark I guess from looking at the keyboard, and ‘enter’ too, I don’t know which digit I naturally use for enter. And shift for any keys which are to the left of the keyboard. That should be ‘on’ the left, because ‘to’ the left implies they are not actually on the keyboard. And I keep pressing additional keys without realising it, particularly number keys.

I just did ‘enter’ and my natural response was to use the right index finger, which is odd because that is the furthest left of that hand.

So that time I made a point of using the little finger.

(But I still got it wrong and hit ‘#’ at the first attempt.)

This is crazy, I got up at 6.00 to write and this is what I’m writing. I am not writing anything worthwhile, just drivel, but what does it matter if all I write is drivel? It could be the greatest prose in the world and still no one would read it.

I have a pain in my side. I think it’s because I’m trying to sit up straight and look at the screen instead of the keyboard while I’m typing. I’m used to slouching. And what does any of it matter? It doesn’t, of course. But this is how I write. I write in well-formed, well-structured sentences, and I spell correctly, because that is how I think, that is how it comes into my head. If I wanted to write ‘badly’ it would be an effort, I would have to work at it and it would be false. That’s not what I do. I write what comes into my head.